When I was in the Depths of My Diabetic Despair.

(Sorry I keep using "D" alliterations. I will try to stop. Buuuut don't get those hopes up :)

This is a something I wrote on my other blog that was never posted because I was too ashamed.   But having added a little perspective since then I think it's time to share.  I am still nervous about it.  Sharing my REAL feelings a a scary thing for me, but here goes nothing!

"I am going to do something I don't normally do.

Talk about something personal.

My Diabetes.

I don't know when or how it became so personal.

I am not ashamed that I have it, I am ashamed that I can't seem to control it.

For monthes now I have been completely out of control.

And I feel so alone, and afraid.

I am afraid to talk to my parents about it, its only disappoints them.

I dread talking to other diabetics about it, I feel so weak and stupid.

I hate going to the doctor, cause I know he sees me as a stupid girl who can't take care of herself.

I am frightened of the complications. (kidney problems, nerve issues, loosing limbs, going blind, dying.)

Sometimes I think it was way easier when I was first diagnosed, when I didn't really get it.

I never felt like my diabetes held me back, but that because somewhere along the line I just started ignoring it.

I will have had diabetes for 10 years this September.

And have nothing to show for it.

because when you choose to ignore it, it really just brings you down.

I remember the first time my blood sugar hit above three hundred.  I was starting to come out of what they call the 'honeymoon phase" after being diagnosed. My pancreas up to this point was producing at least some amounts of insulin, no matter how minisucle the amounts were.  When the production started to come to a hault, my blood sugars reacted more to carbohydrates and thus woudl rise more.  I remember we were on a trip and had stopped somewhere to eat. I tested above 300 hundred and my mom flipped. That was the highest I had ever been.

It makes me cry when I think that I have spend most of the past year in that range.

I want to badly to take control, but I never can seem to do it.

I don't know where to turn or what to do,

I have prayed and pleaded for help, but I know I have to do it for myself, no amont of pleading will make it better.

I feel so all alone."

OK so that is pretty dramatically depressing for a diabetic ( just one more alliteration couldn't hurt?)  

But that how I was feeling. 

ALL THE TIME. 

I felt like a failure.  

And I was afraid of what was going to happen to me.   

 But one day, while I talked to my mom on the phone, I just started unload all my diabetic baggage in a way I never ever had before.  This was big, because as you can see I felt like my parents were disappointed in me and how I took care of myself, and whenever the subject of blood sugars came up it usually ended up in  a fight. But as I sat in on my bed bawling my little eyes out, I was given nothing but support and love.  As we talked my mom said to me something to the effect of....  "This is something you are going to have to deal with all your life.  Your blood sugars are not always going to be perfect."

Diabetes is always going to be part of me and how I live. I wasn't given a choice in that matter.  But just like anything else in life it's up to me how I deal with it, and I won't always be in perfect control or make the best choices when it comes to my diabetes.  But the good news is I can keep improving and get better!

And while my blood sugars are still FAR far far from good.  I am trying to work on it.

It seems to always be an uphill battle.  

 Just the other day I came across a little letter on this great blog about Diabetes called Six Until Me and it really helped affirm the things I have been figuring out lately.

Here is the link if you want to see the whole post

I am just going to pull out the important parts.

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I am not perfect.

All you perfectionists out there like me take a deep breath and say it with me: I am not perfect. I am not perfect in any aspect of my life, including how I manage my type 1 diabetes.

I am conscientious about managing my disease, but I still need to live my life. Even if I were the “perfect person with diabetes” there would still be unexpected highs and lows.

I am not perfect, or more to the point, I am not my pancreas which...actually, on second thought, isn't perfect at all, since it conked out on me and left me to manage my blood sugar myself. I am not perfect, but despite my perfectionist tendencies, I can laugh at my imperfection.

The perfect person with diabetes treats only with glucose tabs or juice when his or her blood sugar is low. (I, on the other hand have been known to raid my cabinet eating Cheerios in cool whip and peanut butter covered anything.) The perfect person with diabetes changes his or her lancet & needles with each and every use. (I know it’s unsanitary but who has the time or energy to change it everytime?! )

The perfect person with diabetes weighs all food, checks all ingredient labels and never leaves home without a calorie king book. (Can you say “educated guess”?) The perfect person with diabetes never restarts his or her CGM sensor to make it last for longer than a week. (hey, economic times are tough!) The perfect person with diabetes never forgets his or her insulin or lets it run out at inconvenient times. (At least it’s a good excuse to leave work early!)

The perfect person with diabetes never gets frustrated over high numbers resulting in any of the following: crying, anger or screaming. And he or she never takes it out on his or her significant others. (If I’m really stressed, just the sight of a “bad” blood glucose reading can bring me to tears. And let’s just say that my boyfriend can usually tell if my blood sugar is high.) The perfect person with diabetes makes sure every used test strip makes it to its rightful home. (I find test strips in my bed, washing machine and even found one once on my sidewalk.)

The perfect person with diabetes never ignores his or her alarming pump or CGM device. (I know- bad habit but sometimes in my sleep it ends up turned off and shoved under a pillow.) The perfect person with diabetes never skips the gym for a last minute happy hour. (What can I say? I love white wine and appetizers!)

It is obvious that none of us dealing with diabetes can be the perfect or model patient all the time. We do the best we can day by day to stay healthy and happy and control our diabetes while maintaining a sense of “normalcy” in our lives. We keep our heads held high and find inner strength and optimism to accept the fact neither we nor our numbers will ever be perfect.

All of us “imperfect” people with diabetes deserve to know we do a really great job dealing with the far from perfect hand life has dealt us. 

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So here's to getting better.  Being a better Diabetic. 

Heck, why not just a better me in general?! 

Cause diabetes is apart of me too :)

That is all.