The Why.

Almost two years ago, I began praying about serving a mission for the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints. A mission was some thing that had never appealed to me before, but I was coming up on my 21st birthday and I was confused about what I wanted for my life at the time.  But I knew I loved the Gospel of Jesus Christ and I knew I wanted to tell other people about the "good news!"  I spent a couple months praying and thinking about it.  I got my schedule in line for the next semester so that I could get my associates and work to save money to go. I would worry about all my nursing aspirations later, I was going to be a Missionary!

I pondered this for a few months.  I got no real answer which I mostly took to mean I needed to proceed. Than, as I began driving back to what I thought would be my last semester, I felt, very strongly, "Ryanne, you need to get going on this nurse thing."  I recognized this as the Holy Ghost, so I dropped my guitar class (still bummed) and retook Anatomy.  I was okay with this, it felt right, but I always wondered why the Lord didn't want me out with His other valiant servants, spreading light and truth. I thought maybe I just wasn't righteous enough or that I wasn't cut out to proselyte or learn a new language. In the back of my mind these thoughts were present, but I went forward with what I felt was inspiration.

This same semester, my cousin and one of my dearest friends, was in a car accident that left her with a traumatic brain injury.  For a while, we didn't know what her life would be like as a result of this accident. There was a period of unknown that was terrifying for our family.  I prayed a lot during that time, and though I had no real reason, I knew it would all turn out okay, no matter the results, because I knew that Heavenly Father was in charge. Somehow that was good enough for me.

And it did turn out okay :) It was, however, a difficult semester, but I finished my prereq's for nursing school and did well in all my classes. I applied to three nursing schools. I didn't get into any of them, and with nothing left to take, I left my beloved Rexburg, hoping that I would nab one of the coveted nursing student positions I worked so hard for and return.

 I went to live in Montana with my mom's side of the family. This was one of the greatest times of my life! I made wonderful friends there. I grew a lot spiritually.  I  had some time off from school and relax.  My two cute cousins were both having baby girls and I was going to be there for all of the excitement!

Then came some of the most horrible news I had ever heard. My sweet cousins baby was going to be a still born. Our hearts were completely broken. She was their first. We were so excited for her to come and be with her cousins and aunts and her mom and dad! I remember sitting outside the hospital room after she was delivered, crying and asking God, "Why, why did this happen?! She was ours, she was supposed to be ours!!"

And the answer came, clear in my mind, "She is still yours."
Suddenly I remembered. Temple covenants have bound her to our family. She is ours forever.  I was washed with peace knowing our sweet McKinley was never lost to us because of the temple and Heavenly Fathers great plan.

While in Montana, I applied again to nursing schools. This time I was accepted to Dixie State and I was pretty excited, but I waited to hear from BYUI.

On a stupid technicality, my application was rejected though I was (what I felt,) more than qualified. I had wanted so badly go to BYUI. My friends were there, it was close to the ones I had in Billings as well. There had also been potential for a relationship with a boy whom I had really liked. It was somewhere I was comfortable. The tuition was cheap, not to mention it is a great nursing school!  Yet again, I didn't understand why the Lord didn't want me there, a place that focused greatly on his gospel, a place I desperately wanted to be. I felt a bit rejected and unworthy.

So I went down south were I was accepted and tried to adjust.  It was very different.  I had a few family members I knew and I made a few friends and had some great roommates, but often I was lonely and sad.  I stayed for the summer thinking it was a good way to make friends, but I spent most of my time alone.  I called my mom and dad often and told them how I wished I was somewhere else. Deep down I think I knew this was where I was supposed to be, but had no idea why.

July 14th, 2013.
My parents died.
My heart broke.

But in thinking about the last two years, my life made more sense.

I was being prepared.

Had I gone on a mission, I would not have been there for my sisters right away. I would not have gotten to see my parents the day before their passing.  I would not be in a position where I could make sure they are taken care of.

Had I not been there for Ashley's accident, I would not have learned to have faith that Heavenly Father really is in control and no matter what the outcome, it really will be alright.

Had I stayed at BYUI and not been in Montana when Kaitie and Adam lost McKinely, I would not have had the experience that gave me a strong testimony of Temples and the Plan of Salvation that I now cling to.

Had I not been in St. George, I would not have had the immediate family support I had when the news broke.  I would not have been able to get to my scared and lonely sisters in the hospital as quickly.

This all tells me several things.

1.  God has a plan for my life.
2.  Things that happen might not make sense now, but we will know the meaning of all of this eventually.
3.  My best interests are always His motivation, even when it doesn't feel that way.
4. He prepares the way when he asks us to do hard things.

So, I guess the whole point of this is that I don't know why this has happened to me and my sisters.  I am living between hoping this isn't reality and the heart breaking truth that it really is.  I question why the Lord thought it best I should have this burden on my shoulders, or why He thinks I can do it at all.

But I am not angry. I am not afraid.
Everything works out.
In time I will know. Maybe in two years, maybe in forty. I probably won't even fully comprehend why until I get to see Mom and Dad again.

Until then I wait  in faith.  :)

Forever.